We're a laugh a minute

Showing T a picture of him sleeping in the playroom while the girls played -
S: This is how you watch the girls.
T: Pffft. They watch themselves.

T: I'm not a violent person but I would like to hold him down and skate over his throat.

After the girls were talking about birthdays for the millionth time -
S: They literally talk about this all the time and it's still a long time until their birthdays (it was only June).
T (very matter of factly): Don't worry. They'll be disappointed.

After talking about taking the kids to Disney on Ice versus Disneyland.
S: Disney on Ice would give the girls the same amount of enjoyment but less agony for us.
T: Susan for president! "The same amount of enjoyment but less agony for us." That's a campaign slogan I can get behind.